We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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