woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
