i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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