I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
