somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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