My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
