In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Randomize
