sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We left the knife in your bed.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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