i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I die, sorry about rent.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
