How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
