We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
