She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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