it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
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