i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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