We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
