peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
