I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
