he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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