This dress was meant to end up on your floor
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize