I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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