like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
