My friends, they love my intelligence
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
