me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
