I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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