I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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