My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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