I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
