PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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