Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize