i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
