I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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