Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
