Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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