good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
