omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
