I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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