i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
