my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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