Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
