Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
