I can text with my tongue
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
no you cant smoke seaweed
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
