I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
