Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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