pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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