Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
