She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
