do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
