Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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