I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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