the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He better not be in your backpack
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
