I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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