Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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