Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My breasts were aching with rage.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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