bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
