the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
