Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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