I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I wear drunk well.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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