How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
