shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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