I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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