I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
